Kirk Cousins isn’t good enough to make everyone deal with this bull

Stop heckling the Astros? No, I don’t think I will, Joey Votto

Let’s be honest, unvaccinated QB isn’t worth the trouble

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Illustration: Getty Images

Yeah, I know. It shouldn’t matter what a player’s performance has been or will be to justify what their feelings are on the vaccine. Everyone who doesn’t get it is a moron. They can come up with whatever reason they like, but they’re either stupid, selfish, or some combination thereof. So I’m not arguing for some sort of threshold. All-pro or waiver-wire material, all the same. Believe me, I know.

But man, if you’re on the Vikings, and you’re listening to Kirk Cousins talk about having Plexiglas installed in the QB room, or having their meetings OUTSIDE IN MINNESOTA or whatever other thing the Vikes are going to have to do to accommodate this dumb motherfucker, where’s your head at?

You look at this guy and realize you’ve won one playoff game with him. He’s cost the team more playoff spots than he’s earned them, or playoff games he’s won. He’s taking up 17 percent of the salary cap for the right to watch him not spot a linebacker or safety having a club sandwich in a zone until he throws them the ball. Or fill his pants at the sight of any blitz. And he’s going to put everyone through this?

Look at the hoops this dope will jump through to not get the vaccine. The meetings outside, or changing where things are in at the facility, or the Plexiglas, or everyone having to follow under-benchmark protocols. How much harder is all of this than just getting a shot? Infinitely, and all to prove he knows better than doctors and scientists because…[fart noise].

Oh, he says he’s doing research. That just means he’s looking up stuff on the internet that aligns with his the-sky-is-Jesus vision of the world. There is no research to be done. The NFL is happy to provide the only research you need. His team doctor would be happy to explain to him what a dummard he’s being. He’ll trust them with a rehab from any injury but not this because it would be admitting to… what exactly?

But if you’re a Viking, or the team’s head coach Mike Zimmer, you can’t say that. You have to “respect his views,” which is the biggest load of horseshit that is choking this country right now. This is where Skip Bayless helped poison the water and erode the foundation by making everything seem like it has two sides. A lot of things don’t. This doesn’t. There is no argument. There isn’t an “alternate truth.” It’s what is, and what’s stupid.

Either Cousins gets vaccinated or he’s an assholic dipshit. Or as the Republican mayor of West Lafayette John Davis described those not getting the shot as “unvaccinated assholes.” Yes, he did.

Yeah, I know. The Vikings reportedly have the lowest vaccination rate among NFL teams, and Cousins alone doesn’t change that. But if he’s the team leader he claims to be, he could probably get some players to go along with him if he did get the shot. Though it wouldn’t surprise me if his teammates hate his guts so much they’d stay unvaccinated just to spite him.

Same thing goes for Cam Newton. Nice hat and all, but you’ve sucked ass for five years now. How eager is a pedigreed organization like the Patriots to put up with your bullshit?

I know this is truly the dumbest timeline, and I’m shouting at the rain, but it’s just so hard to fathom how things got this dumb. Fuck, the Vikings should use it as an excuse to dump Cousins and get started on their next era. We know this one isn’t going anywhere.

Also things I don’t want to hear anymore from anyone:

“It’s a personal choice.” Funny thing, because it affects other people, so it’s not really personal.

“I’m doing research.” If you’re saying this at this point I’m just going to assume you can’t read.

“HIPAA.” So then why do I know which ligament you tore last year? Also you don’t know what that means, and that was an acronym you learned last week that you’re just going to parrot because no one will challenge you. If someone told you the term was actually “Farfegnugen,” that’s what you’d be saying.

I’ll be looking forward to some vaccinated Viking clubbing Cousins over the head with his helmet in Week 6 after he has another three INT special. Keep me warm during the long Chicago winter.

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